Pen{g}sieve Vol. 17: Work-life balance is a life-long practice of holding a strong inner compass
This post is about my burnout story and recovery journey since 2019. The last three years taught me that work-life balance is not a few tactical hacks but a life-long practice of staying connected to oneself and holding a strong inner compass.
My burnout story
I was severely burnt out on my previous job. I supported an international organization with a 12-hour time difference. That required me to join remote night meetings until midnight regularly. And when I woke up the following day, dozens of new emails were waiting to be processed. Working like this for a couple of years took a heavy toll on my sleep, well-being, and family life. But I kept going because I got a lot of fulfillment from the job and could not stop after being given bigger scopes and promotions.
I never thought I would have a burn-out problem. I thought my tiredness was normal or, at most a sleep problem. I was considered a role model of work-life balance among my peers. People marveled at my ability to thrive in a demanding job while working remotely and raising two kids. In a company culture of 9-9-6, I tried to take all my PTOs and shared wonderful family trip photos online.
It was easy to create a veneer of work-life balance (or success), but I knew something was wrong. In my journal, I often used words like "draining" and "black hole" to describe my feeling about the job. And I felt guilty all the time — guilty for not spending quality time with the family while I was working, or vice versa.
I tried to quench the guilt by accommodating as many family duties as possible, driving kids to activities, cooking meals, and planning vacations. But my heart was not with them. Taking vacations was the most stressful because I had to discreetly deal with work matters while appearing to be with the family. Work was literally in my head all the time.
My work got the best of my energy, and the rest of my life -- myself, family, friends -- got the leftover.
The paradigm shift
A blessing in disguise
Just as good life events (e.g., a promotion, a new job, a new baby) may tip life off balance, bad ones (e.g., a demotion, a severe illness, loss of loved ones) may be the catalyst that brings our problem into focus and starts the journey of recovery.
In 2019, the company was put onto the US entity list. Overnight, all projects that involved a non-US part of the company -- practically all my projects -- had to stop. It was no longer possible for me to support the international team, but I stayed for another year to support the remaining team in the US. That period was one of the lowest points of my professional career.
With most meetings, emails, and people's responsibilities gone, my workdays became calm and under my control. I experienced flow at work again. And I built a powerful bond w/ the team going through a hard time together. With work less demanding, I had spare time and energy. So I started four habits:
Yoga 2~3 times a week
daily journaling (20~30 min)
daily reading books (20~30 min)
daily 1% improvement (take almost no time, just awareness)
In three months, the good energy started to come back to me. I experienced better physical energy, better focus, and better mood. Most importantly, I could feel joy again, sometimes from doing simple daily tasks like reading in my favorite reclining chair in the morning sun or cooking a meal without rushing.
When good energy is back, the inner work begins
You may think that was the end of my burnout recovery story, but it is far from it. The entity list event gave me the needed “work detox” to bring back good energy. But if I took another demanding job at the time, I would probably be off-balance again.
First, I was in a good energy state. Then, a lot of inner work had to happen before I could sustain the balance between work and life. The mindfulness practices — Yoga and journaling — started this inner work. Questions like "what is the meaning of life" popped up. And I kept on journaling and searching for answers. The deeper I went, the more I questioned the conventional value system of success.
The real breakthrough came through having really deep conversations with my coach. In one such conversation, I saw my daily life as being driven by others in the form of to-do lists from work and chores rather than by my conscious choice. It led to my first personal manifesto, where I spelled out what was truly meaningful to me. This blog detailed this coaching experience and my manifesto.
How does this have anything to do with work-life balance? When one examines the essence of life, it often leads to the same things such as deep connection, creativity, freedom, etc. When we lose sight of our most innate wants, we lose balance.
The inner work of knowing what I want for life and pursuing it consciously is what fundamentally changes my relationship with my work.
The practice on this job
I started at Meta in Nov 2020 with a lot of good energy. But would I be off-balance again with the demand of a highly competitive job? More than a year has passed. I am proud to say that, except for a few relapses, I did very well. I was in positive energy almost every day and never lost control of my work experience. This blog documented my 1st year at Meta, celebrating the journey from burnout to a created work experience.
work-life balance is never a one-time fix but a practice — day in and day out — on holding the boundary. This year, I continue to work with my coach and explore life's richness while bettering my game at work. Here are the goals I set out for 2022 (in my 2022 personal annual review):
Write Pen{g}sieve for another year and reach 2000 subscribers;
Start every day with positive energy, end every workday before dinner and with positive energy; do only work I enjoy on Wednesdays;
Score a public win for my work on ML compilers, present at PyTorch Developer conference;
Expand my range to new types of roles at work;
Revamp family meals by infusing more love, creativity, and joy;
Coach 4 people who can inspire me;
Create a 5-person personal board of directors.
I am proud that work goals are only a fraction of my goals this year. There is “other stuff” in my life now that I could strive for. My non-work goals are a lot scarier than my work-related ones. I have gone a long way from the exhausted and workaholic self three years ago to the more wholesome self today. Work-life balance was a survival instinct for me three years ago, but today it is an expression of self.
How to make work-life balance a practice?
If you want a recipe for recovering from a burnout, this is the best I can come up with:
Rebuild the energy first because change, growth, and clear thinking all require energy (I highly recommend this book-- the power of full engagement on energy management);
Stay away from environments or systems that are toxic to your well-being (for instance, I would not choose a role that requires regular night meetings at this moment because my sleep health is still very fragile);
Do the inner work via mindfulness practice to get connected with yourself and shift your belief system on your relationship with work;
Practice daily 1% improvement to shift your system gradually;
Continue to monitor your energy and intervene when necessary.
This piece really hit home for me. Thanks Peng.