Pen{g}sieve Vol 18: What does self-love feel like -- my 1st emotion fluidity retreat

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Recently, I attended a retreat on emotion fluidity. The experience blew my mind away. Through the magic of a process that I have yet to understand, in just three days, I somehow came out as a person with a lot more self-love. On the journey home, I remembered feeling this refreshing openness towards strangers — fellow passengers, flight attendants, Uber drivers — as if a layer of guards had dropped.

Two months had passed. I see more and more evidence of how the integration of emotional fluidity makes my everyday life more enjoyable. This post explains how it happened. I will also share a few resources at the end.

Everybody needs healing

The theme of the retreat is Projection. The theory goes that whatever we judge of others is a projection of a part of us that we have yet to love. For instance, if I judge others by their confidence, it is likely that I judge also my confidence deep down.

I was initially skeptical. But in one group exercise, we took turns to tell every member in the group stories we projected onto them. The exercise showed a clear pattern of my projections. In an unfamiliar social setting, I always judge or admire people by whether they are interesting, attractive, or extroverted. Both could reflect a part of me that I have not been able to love, e.g., judging myself as not as interesting, attractive, or extraverted as I would like.

Such revelation shocked me because I thought I had overcome my early-year "flaws" and transformed into this strong and confident person. The truth is even after we grow out of what used to limit us, there may still be scars to heal. I never considered myself as someone that needed healing because I thought I never experienced trauma. I was wrong.

A common misconception about trauma is that trauma is only caused by acute events such as abuse or significant life events. But non-acute trauma is a lot more common. For instance, few people could go through the ultra-competitive Chinese education system without being scarred. Most of us came out of the system feeling "I am not good enough". This is regardless of whether we succeeded or failed at school. Another example is living in a foreign country, which can leave a lasting feeling of "I do not belong" regardless of how well one speaks the language later.

I experienced both. For the first time, I realized I had some healing work to do — like everyone else.

Deep inner alignment

At the retreat, I met several people who I could only intuitively describe as comfortable in their skins. They exhibited a kind of natural confidence that is very different from what I saw in my professional circle. Instead of rooting in a place of better-ness, their confidence seems to come from a deep alignment of who they are and how they want to be seen.

The observation opened a new world to me. For most of my adult life, I pursued accomplishment or its natural form — mastery. At this workshop, I discovered deep inner alignment as another human condition worth striving for. I now believe mastery and deep inner alignment are two necessary components of a wholesome life. Mastery makes life exciting and gives one flow. Deep inner alignment makes daily experience enjoyable and gives one lasting contentment.

The paths to mastery and inner alignment cannot be more different. Mastery, like the Yang of life, requires much doing and achieving. Deep inner alignment, like the Yin of life, involves much undoing and healing. Many of us focus on the former and are ignorant of the latter.

Self-love as deep acceptance

Self-love is the deep acceptance of who we are, especially the flawed part. But how do we do that?

The work is to accept our imperfections so that we do not get stuck in a place of constriction. Let me give you an example. Through the projection work, I noticed that one of the things I did not love about myself was the way I looked. Though seemingly superficial, it was an actual test of self-acceptance for me. I started to observe how other people's looks made me feel about them. I noticed dark circles, wrinkles, and imperfect body shapes in people around me, including those with traits that I admired. But none of the imperfections stopped me from wanting to connect with them. Even for people I initially considered non-attractive, I felt the love (deep acceptance) towards them after getting to know them a little bit. Intellectually I began to question this self-judgment.

But what shifted my system was perhaps not logical reasoning at all but my 3-day immersion in an environment where most people embodied a deep acceptance of one another. I remembered one special moment. After my first helpless session, I was exhausted and rested on the mat in a fetal position. Then I felt someone lying beside me and embracing me from behind. I had never been held like that by a stranger before. But at that moment, I allowed myself to receive and felt a profound sense of acceptance. After that session, I was noticeably loosened up as if a layer of guards dropped. That was how I started to let myself love my imperfection.

Integration after two months

Two months had passed. I continue to see the opening toward self-love and love for others develop in my life. The openness allowed me to try out new experiences or experience old things in new ways. Life felt more smooth and effortless.

Here are some examples:

• I felt glowing in love when conversing with others. My talking speed was noticeably slowed, a sign of more receiving.

• I was much more comfortable speaking my truth and even more mindful of the occasions when I hesitated or held back.

• I gave a lot more hugs to my loved ones. So much love can be felt through a deep embrace that words cannot express.

• I took my first beginner improvisation comedy class. I had a lot of fun and accepted that I was not good at it.

• I let a friend do makeup on me in front of other friends for the first time and wore the makeup directly to dinner.

• I appreciated diversity and teamwork at a new level -- accepting my weaknesses as a manager and grateful that I can lean on others and learn from them.

• I seek feedback from many people after giving a critical strategy review and opened (instead of bracing) myself to receiving the feedbacks.

• I attended a party with my neighbors (much older, non-tech, and from different racial backgrounds) and felt at ease. For the first time, I felt I belonged.

• I started to appreciate museums and artworks on a recent trip. This may seem unrelated to emotional fluidity, but I accepted my lack of education in art appreciation and allowed myself to appreciate art in my way.

Recommended resources

I cannot recommend enough of the importance of healing and working on our emotional systems. However, this line of work requires a lot of somatic exercises and direct experiences that are best done in a retreat or in one-on-one coaching.

Here are some resources that you may find useful.

• You can learn more about projection in this podcast episode.

• Art of Accomplishment (master class, once a year) and community events (including the retreat I attended).

• The Hoffman Institute (recommended by attendees of the retreat). I listened to their podcast, and their process is very similar to this workshop's, they offer retreats regularly in CA and Connecticut.

• The work by Byron Katie (recommended by Tim Ferris and others). It seems to be the same type of embodiment work and deep inner alignment as I experienced in the retreat.