Pen{g}sieve Vol. 16: An unexpected place to find upper-limiting problems -- the emotions we avoid to feel

Last summer, I took the Art of Accomplishment (AoA) course by Joe Hudson, a cohort-based group coaching program focusing on emotional management. I was blown away by the eight-week intensives of somatic exercises and deep inner work. Not only was I utterly ignorant of the tools to process emotions, but I also held the wrong mental model on negative emotions — as something to be avoided or suppressed at all cost. Instead, negative emotions are indicators of deeply unsatisfied needs and are our most reliable teachers.

This post shares one example of how Joe helped move one of my long-time upper limiting problems by focusing on emotions that I avoided feeling. It is vulnerable to share this post but I believe I am not alone in feeling this way. I also see that ignorance of emotional management is rampant in my professional and personal communities and would like to raise awareness.

The AoA course opened my eye to a new type of wisdom that is very different from the intellect. And that wisdom— deeply embodied as emotions, gut feeling, instinct — actually holds the key to a new way to success, one that is more effortless, more wholesome, and more enjoyable.

Emotions I avoid to feel

In the AoA course, Joe taught us how to allow ourselves feel emotion all the way through and embrace the tension of the process. Along the way, many of us identified emotions that we avoided feeling in our subtle ways.

Below was a conversation with Joe on an emotion that I avoided feeling for years. It was triggered by “not feeling well” after my first calibration session as a manager on the new job. In the past, I would have put behind the episode as soon as I could — my coping mechanism for negative emotions. But this time, I dived deeper and asked the following question.

Me: This past week was a company-wide performance evaluation. As a manager, I participated calibration sessions to discuss people’s ratings.  Yesterday, after a calibration session for people at one level below me, I did not feel well. I realized that I was projecting evaluation bars from the calibration sessions onto myself and, all of a sudden, feeling uncertain where my rating would be. 

When I went deeper, I realized that, while I could accept any performance rating, I always braced myself when receiving it. I avoided to feel the emotion when I was was not rated as top performers — my coping mechanism was to get over or forget about it as soon as I could.

By and large, I do not have a self-esteem issue and believe in my inner goodness. But I know I avoid feeling inferior by creating my own bubble and carefully protecting my ego. I also cannot stand it when I was explicitly rated against others but did not land in the top quadrant.

Thus the question: how do I stop avoiding feeling inferior?

What are all the ways this pattern makes you better or worse than others?

Joe: I loved this.  Thank you.

What are all the ways this patten makes you superior to others?  What are all the ways this pattern makes you inferior to others?  What are all the ways this pattern makes you equal to others? 

> What are all the ways this pattern makes you superior to others?

Me: I try to forget these moments of feeling inferior so that I can construct my superiority entirely in my head (e.g., comparing my strength to the other’s weaknesses or dismissing other’s strength) without recalling contradictory facts. 

But no, this pattern only makes me feel superior to others, but it does not make me superior because the only way to be superior is to be better.

> What are all the ways this pattern makes you inferior to others? 

• I do not see or face the gap.

• I focus on people's inferior traits for my psychological comfort, overlooking things that I could learn from them.

• I avoid being close to anyone who I perceive as better than I.

• I avoid challenging myself for fear of failure.

• I feel bitter and discouraged when someone who used to be inferior to me becomes superior to me.

> What are all the ways this pattern makes you equal to others?

Me: The answer first comes up blank because I always sort people as either better or worse than me. But then I realize that there are many people that I do not compare against — my immediate family, friends that go way back, strangers, etc. I do not judge them, and I do not feel either inferior or superior to them.

When comparing yourself to someone, what are you comparing?

Joe: there is a saying that goes:  If you think someone is better than you then that is comparative mind and that is misery.  If you think someone is worse than you then that is comparative mind and that is misery.  If you see someone as equal to you then that is comparative mind and that is misery.

Please let me know how thinking you are better or less than someone makes your system react.

When you compare someone to you what are you comparing?  In other words what makes someone better or worse? For example: Let's say you deem someone as  smarter than you and more successful, but less ethical and is improving at a slower clip?  Or a better mother and sister but a worse daughter and worker?  Or someone who understands themselves 10x better than you but has no money or job? 

What criteria makes anyone essentially better or worse than another in your mind? 

How does your criteria change depending on who you are comparing yourself too?

How did these become your criteria? 

I am reminded of the fact that a schizophrenic in Tibet is often looked up to as an oracle and in  America is often looked down upon as a the crazy homeless person on the corner.

> How do your criteria change depending on who you compare yourself to?

Me: I couldn't help but laugh when I saw this question. Yes, my criteria are changing all the time.

• In mom's groups, I see someone who is more social and always at the center of attention. I would think, "but I am smarter or having a more successful career than she"

• In professional settings, if someone is more successful than I am, I would think, "but I have a better life, a good family, and a richer spiritual pursuit."

• If someone is more intelligent than I am, I would think, "but I have more life wisdom than he is."

• If someone looks better than I am, I would think, "but I have a richer inner life and am more intellectual."

• If someone has a more admirable lifestyle, I would think, "but she is superficial and showing off all the time."

• If someone is more fun and interesting than I am, I would think, "but he is not stable and has lots of life issues and is not as well provided for as I am."

• If someone is more spiritual than I am, I don't know what my inner voice would say ... perhaps just envy?

• If someone is more successful or capable, has a better life, is more intelligent and wiser, more spiritual, and looks good, then I am fucked; I will just feel bad about myself in comparison! 

> Please let me know how thinking you are better or less than someone makes your system react.

Me: When I feel superior to someone, my system is constricting. I am in a defensive mode -- constantly looking for evidence of my "betterness" and do not look too hard if I find counter-evidence. I feel unsafe and hapless in this position because I am staying at the same place defending, but the control is at the other person -- if they move, they will eventually surpass me.

When I feel inferior to someone, my system is in protective mode, and I spend all my energy getting over the bad feeling.

> What criteria make anyone essentially better or worse than another in your mind?

Me: I don't know. Perhaps, the essential goodness is that people are comfortable in their skins and experience every moment of life the way they want?

When an emotional blockage was removed

Joe: great work!  Here is an exercise for you.  I want you to feel the defense you feel when you put yourself above someone else.  This time I want you to feel it 2x the amount and then 4x the amount.  Maintain it for as long as humanly possible.  Defend the fuck out of yourself.  Then look for the thing you are defending.  Do not settle for an intellectual answer.  Find the felt sense of what you are defending.  Do this 3 to 5 times over 4 days and tell me what happens.

The conversation with Joe happened last summer. Eight months passed, I did not get another chance to feel defensive again. The awareness of this emotional pattern and its deeper roots seemed to have moved the blockage in my system. While I could not pinpoint exactly how it happened, the shift in how I experienced interactions with others was real — it was less constrictive, more accepting, and more enjoyable.

This February, I participated in the second performance calibration on the job. While the experience was as mentally draining as before, I felt emotionally centered this time — no self-projection, no judgment of others, and no care-taking of my direct’s ratings. Not only did the calibration feel lighter but I was also more effective in making the points and learning from others. The last calibration made me feel small and demoralized, this time calibration became almost enjoyable. That is the power of moving emotional blockages in one’s system.